Sometimes Resurrection Requires Letting Go (Amanda Miller Garber)

3254a0cb305b209fbf29469efcfce9c0Mother’s Day is difficult for me.  Since it always falls on Sunday, I usually play hooky, so I wont have to put on the façade of “happy mom.”  However, this Sunday was different.  As fate would have it…or maybe God…this Sunday I was slated to help with communion service.  So for that reason, I sucked it up, and went to church.  “Let the acting begin,” I thought, as I walked through the door.

Now, you may wonder, why Mother’s Day is so difficult.  Several reasons.  One, my mom is dead, and yes I miss her, but, I also do tremendous guilt for not spending more time with her while she was alive.  Two, I miss my own children, who live far away, and I also do tremendous guilt for decisions I made in the past…decisions that negatively impacted their lives.   Some of those decisions needed to be made, but, none-the-less, I do guilt…and I do it well.  I usually hear from them…a text or a call, but I can’t help but wonder how Mother’s Day would be if I’d only chosen a different path.  It torments me.

On Mother’s Day I just want to crawl into a hole, but this year the hole sat empty, as I sat in church.  Listening to the pastor’s sermon, something she said jumped out at me, and caught my attention.  She said, “Sometimes, resurrection requires letting go.”  She asked the question, and I paraphrase, “What is keeping you from experiencing true resurrection in your life?  What are you holding on to, that needs to be let go?”

***

Today, intellectually, I realize I need to let go of the past, but I’m discovering it’s not easily done.  I guess, a good first step would be forgiveness.  Somehow, some way I need to figure out how to forgive myself.  My prayer is for God to show me the way.  I’m sure it’s not something that’s said and done, but rather, something that must be practiced on a daily basis.  I pray for God’s strength.

Just like a baby learning to walk, we have to let go, to move forward.  More often than not, what we desperately cling to is toxic.  If we fail to let it go, we begin a slow death that eats away our individuality, until we no longer recognize ourselves.

We all teeter on the precipice of transformation, but to get there we must let go.

***

“Sometimes, resurrection requires letting go.”   __Amanda Miller Garber

 

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When Mother’s Day is Sad

But everyone has gone the wrong way.

(Psalms 14:3) (ERV)

(Love Ghost Stories?  Go to Creepy Reflections)
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silhouette of mama’s rose

My heart is relieved with the knowledge that God can bring good from chaos.  We’ve all gone the wrong way at least once in our lives; and if you’re anything like me, you’ve taken the wrong road many times…sometimes many times in one day!

Psalms 14:3, the words of King David, acknowledges everyone has at one time in their life taken the wrong road.  David knew this better than anyone, because he was an adulterer and a murder.  Daily he had to live  in the knowledge that his actions had led to someone’s death.  David cried often over the mistakes he had made and yet God says of David, “He’s a man after [My] own heart.”

Mother’s day is hard for me…for several reasons.  First of all, I miss my mama who died three years ago.  Missing her is hard enough, but when we also harbor guilt, then mother’s day can feel almost unbearable.  I wish I had spent more time with her.  Second of all, I miss my children who live states away.  I don’t get to see them much and on mother’s day this hurts more than usual.  Third of all, I’m tortured with decisions, made in the past that cannot be erased-decisions that still affect the present.

Yes, yesterday [mother’s day] was hard for me.  I tried to smile but sadness chased it away.  I tried to laugh but tears washed the laughter away.  And so, like David I spent the day lamenting over a past that cannot be changed.

I know living this way is a waste of time and energy, but don’t we all fall into this trap…or is it just me?

God doesn’t want us to live in this despair!  He is our Father and He understands.  His arms are always open, and He wants us to fall into them and cry.  Sometimes we just need to cry…and He understands.  When we do,  He holds us close, without judgement, and then wipes away the tears and tells us how much He love us. Often others fail to forgive and forget but, but our Father does both and He does them well.

This morning I read these words by Sarah Young from her devotional, Jesus Calling

“Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes…Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me…I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes.  Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do.”[voice of God]

We are human, we makes mistakes and there will be pain; but there is a God who understands and wants heal our wounded souls.  (always thank God for the but’s)

My Prayer:  Sometimes Lord I don’t want to live…sometimes living can seem too sad.  On this mother’s day I miss my mom and I miss my children.  It feels like a doubled edged sword cutting into my heart.  And so attaching a rose to my lapel and saying “happy mother’s day” does nothing to make me happy.  No, Lord…just the opposite.  God, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.  Thank you for your shoulder I so often wash with tears.  Thank you for your arms that hold me in the dark.  Thank you for your holy kiss that wipes my tears away.  Thank you for your understanding, especially when all around do nothing but judge. Thank you for your maternal love that keeps me safe until the day when there will be no more tears.  In Jesus name…amen.