Vamp Juice and Utters


I took the girls for a photo session last week.  They say cheese only once a year now.  During the cancer scare it was once every six months. The C-word is but a faint whisper so the poking, pulling and smashing is an annual rather than a perennial. Mammograms are not pleasant but necessary. Being the good girl that I am I loaded the girls into a safety net and fastened the seat belt behind my back.

Nervous during the exam I try to fill the silence with conversation.   Between the grimaces and groans I inquire … “…so I guess it’s harder to maneuver and manipulate the smaller breast?”  The woman smiled warmly and said, “Nope, we pretty much mash em all the same,” and then she cranked down on a lever proving her point.  Ouch.  After that I kept my mouth shut.  When I was finally able to walk out the door I felt like the proud owner of two certified yogi utters.  They would have no problem with downward facing dog.

After the “mammy-grammy” this ole heifer rode the elevator to the first floor.  My next mission:  to fill two vials with some of my all-knowing vampire juice.  Periodical blood testing has become the regime as a result of my medicinal cocktail. The magical pills successfully combat rheumatoid but apparently the bastards can wreak havoc on the liver.  Talk about Yin and Yang!

Blood is an amazing life force that wears many hats, not only can it tell the state of my liver, it can diagnose, it can save a life, it can convict the guilty and even cause vampires to drool.  According to Christianity it’s the very blood of Christ that saves sinners from their sins.   There is power in the blood.

Middle age really changes the body. Things become difficult.  It’s tougher to see, to hear, to walk, to squat, and even to poop.  Nothing comes easy, no matter what Jamie Lee Curtis says!

I’m trying to come to terms with the changes in my body.  At 48…she’s sure not the winner she used to be, but she gets me where I need to go.  You see…we have a deal…her and me.  I do the maintenance and she keeps a chugging.  Sometimes, I admit, I fail her by neglecting sleep, eating junk, remaining sedentary, and drinking one too many beers.  However, she always nice enough to get my attention and always makes me pay for it!  When I was a kid I was oblivious of the  contract…didn’t even know it existed.  Now that I’m older I realize the importance of adhering to the contract.   It keeps the body happy and when the body is happy nine times out of ten we will be also.

Right now she’s tired and begging for vacation, and who am I not to give it to her!   I purchased two plane tickets (one for her and one for Corinne) to Myrtle Beach SC. That made the ole girl smile.


Listen to your body…it knows what it needs…treat her well.

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