Oh Knowledgable array
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Mother’s Day is difficult for me. Since it always falls on Sunday, I usually play hooky, so I wont have to put on the façade of “happy mom.” However, this Sunday was different. As fate would have it…or maybe God…this Sunday I was slated to help with communion service. So for that reason, I sucked it up, and went to church. “Let the acting begin,” I thought, as I walked through the door.
Now, you may wonder, why Mother’s Day is so difficult. Several reasons. One, my mom is dead, and yes I miss her, but, I also do tremendous guilt for not spending more time with her while she was alive. Two, I miss my own children, who live far away, and I also do tremendous guilt for decisions I made in the past…decisions that negatively impacted their lives. Some of those decisions needed to be made, but, none-the-less, I do guilt…and I do it well. I usually hear from them…a text or a call, but I can’t help but wonder how Mother’s Day would be if I’d only chosen a different path. It torments me.
On Mother’s Day I just want to crawl into a hole, but this year the hole sat empty, as I sat in church. Listening to the pastor’s sermon, something she said jumped out at me, and caught my attention. She said, “Sometimes, resurrection requires letting go.” She asked the question, and I paraphrase, “What is keeping you from experiencing true resurrection in your life? What are you holding on to, that needs to be let go?”
Today, intellectually, I realize I need to let go of the past, but I’m discovering it’s not easily done. I guess, a good first step would be forgiveness. Somehow, some way I need to figure out how to forgive myself. My prayer is for God to show me the way. I’m sure it’s not something that’s said and done, but rather, something that must be practiced on a daily basis. I pray for God’s strength.
Just like a baby learning to walk, we have to let go, to move forward. More often than not, what we desperately cling to is toxic. If we fail to let it go, we begin a slow death that eats away our individuality, until we no longer recognize ourselves.
We all teeter on the precipice of transformation, but to get there we must let go.
“Sometimes, resurrection requires letting go.” __Amanda Miller Garber