Secret Under the Pits


Has it ever happened to you?  Perhaps I’m the only “forgetful-so-and-so” who peels out the door without it?  There I was… picture it…  Ready for work and heading out the door.  I cranked my truck and smiled because I was somewhat ahead of the game; therefore, I wouldn’t have to speed to make it on time.  Feeling smug as a bug in a rug I patted myself on the back and pulled out of my driveway.  Life was good.  I had a fantastic lunch prepared (bologna and cheese with mustard and a bag of Lays) and I even looked nice in my clothes.  I love those days…you know…the ones when you look in the mirror and think, “Damn I look good!”   I crossed the marsh in Hampton Falls and sang along with Tina.  Her version of “Proud Mary” is still my favorite.   The shades covering my eyes looked cool, my truck gleamed from its new wash and I looked sexy behind its wheel.  Bring it on bitches…What could go wrong?   Euphoria is bliss…or is that ignorance… 

Then a needle scratched harshly across the record player in my mind and just like that (snap) the bliss went amiss.  It vanished like a new ghost finding its door!   I rounded the curve to enter highway 101 but instead of seeing the road my mind visualized a blue bottle of Secret (powder fresh) deodorant.  In my mind’s eye I could see it cuddled beside the hairbrush resting on a cluttered bathroom counter.  I realized I had forgotten to swipe the pits with it!  My psyche kicked into  “cartoon mode” and I saw the animated bottle of Secret mocking me by putting its thumbs into its fake ears and sticking out its fake tongue!

At that moment I could feel the dirty little BO germs trudge off to work like the seven dwarfs!  Where the hell did they come from?  Where were they hiding just a moment ago when I was feeling all “sex-i-fied?”  Wherever it was the buggers had ditched it, picked tiny little wheel barrels loaded with musk, and began to share the wealth all over my now moist pits.  I swear it was as if I could hear the little shits whistling as they worked!     I realized I was going to stink…literally stink!  Visions of coworkers pinching their noses, snickering and whispering behind my back, caused a wave of panic to flood my body.  I’m sure this did nothing to help the situation; on the contrary, it only accentuated the stench that would soon curl the nose hairs of my friends. 

I’m just wondering if it has happened to any of you out there.  I have to confess  it’s happened to me quite a few times.  Enough times that I have no excuses as to why I forget.   I mean how hard is it to put the bottle of Secret next to something you KNOW you will use.  Say for instance next to the toothbrush, inside your work shoes or next to your underwear. (Okay, the underwear theory may not work all the time….and that’s all I’m going to say about that)  Anyway, when you think about it it’s really not that difficult.  After all the remedy equals preparation plus a little conscientious thinking.  Not a hard equation to solve.

However, my mind often goes into overload, zooming ahead and taking with it the skill of “in-the-moment” thinking.   So, instead of enjoying the shower and the moment at hand, I’m mentally feeding the dogs…and the cats.  The cats remind me of a dirty litter box that needs cleaning…then I realize I don’t want to miss trash pick-up/recycle day…which gives me visions of piles of trash stuffed in the garage….and then I think of rats….I hate rats…but rats like cheese (well the cartoon ones do)…which reminds me to put cheddar on my bologna sandwich…and on and on it goes until I forget something important like swiping the pits!

Maybe I should tie a string around my finger…hmmmm…or maybe I should take up yoga and all that peace “rig-a-ma-roll.” You know…stuff like…feeling the breeze on you face, catching snowflakes in your lashes, smelling the salt in the ocean air, hearing the birds sing as you take in huge gulps of air.  Deep breaths…that’s what they always say…in through the nose and out through the mouth.    Perhaps by embracing this “peace shit” I could better remember to relish the water on my skin as I shower, to smell the flowers within my VO5, to savor the warmth of the towel as it dries my body, and last but not least to follow it all with a damn hefty, hardy swipe of Secret under the pits!

Epilogue:  The nose hairs of my friends were spared the kinky perm, and I was spared the embarrassment of being the stink of NPC.  Lucky for me, the Sunoco close by just happened to have Secret on the shelf!  I’m sure I paid ten times its worth by purchasing at a convenience store as opposed the grocery; however, I am forever grateful for the $10 bottle of blue resting in the glove compartment of my truck!  I’m sure I’ll need it again.  (Smile)

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